Saturday, January 24, 2009

Baby Hopes...

I hope none of you reading this thinks I'm pathetic, but as this is really my only form of "journaling" I felt the need to write about this:

I just got a text from Alex's cousin Michael, who just got married the first part of November, saying that him and his new wife are expecting a baby! I AM IN TEARS! I love them to pieces, I mean they are family, but I have this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. A feeling of the most intense jealousy I have ever felt in my entire life. Why do I feel like this? I feel horrible that I FEEL SO HORRIBLE! Words can't quite explain. I should feel nothing but HAPPY for them and it's really hard for me to do that right now....Why me? Why can't I have kids? They've been married for barely 2 months and didn't WANT kids for a "couple years" and they fall pregnant like it's nothing! I've been married for almost 2 1/2 years and have had nothing but heartache trying for a little one. I've had no problem attending cousins and friends baby showers, baby blessings, etc., but for some reason this one really hit me hard. I think it's cuz we're so close to them and I feel like I SHOULD get the first baby ya know? How immature does that sound!?!?! I try to keep telling myself that Heavenly Father has a reason for all things and that there is a divine reason I am not a mother right now. I only wish I knew what that reason is. I'm having a very difficult time having the strength, peace, and faith to keep trying and to keep trying to understand the reasoning behind it.
Enough with my rambling. Writing things down, especially my feelings, helps me to move on and get it all out so I'm not dwelling on it for days and days and days even though I have a feeling I will be still in this case.
BABY DUST TO ME! :)...........................:(


  1. Jane I am sending you Baby thoughts,
    Pink ones and Blue,
    Ribbons and Tonka Trucks,
    Crate paper and Glue.

    All the fun things,
    That Moms love to do,
    They are just waiting for,
    the right time to come to you.

    I know my poems are cheesy but sometimes we need a little smile and think there are bigger dorks than I. I seem to be the dorkest! Love You Jenn

  2. Hey! It took us a little bit too, not as long, but longer than I would have hoped, but I do think Heavenly Father does have a plan for each of us. Carson couldnt have came at a better time. It all fell into place perfect at that time, not saying that if he would have came earlier it wouldn't, but there were just some things that would come along the way and stuff like that ya know. Your time will come and we are praying soon and you guys will be AMAZING parents!

  3. Jane, Jane, Jane... I've been there and all I want to say is that I've had days exactly like your having. Here's the thing (if your not sick of my advice yet...) It's really easy to build up a wall to protect yourself from all the horrible emotions that you feel. I hated lots of people that I really loved because they were having kids. Even people who had the possibility of having kids I would shut out of my life because it was to painful to face. Every baby announcement made that cut deeper and I would just build the wall higher. In my opinion, you have every right to cry it out, be mad, whatever you have to feel... But at some point do your best to be happy for them because later you will feel really, really guilty like I do. Building the wall was the only way I could cope, but looking back I wish I could have found another way. You have that chance, and I know you'll do a better job than I did! You came to my baby shower for heavens sake... I don't know if I could have done it at 2 1/2 years trying. Anyway, be patient, the Lord does have a plan for you. And you can yell and scream and cry to me anytime you want to! Love, 10 years trying :(

  4. I kinda know how you feel. Brody and I felt we were ready for a long time before Taylor finally got here. But looking back I am so grateful for the 4 years that we had to just be the two of us. I can't tell you how much life changes after having a baby. You are so young too. At the same time, I know you are so excited, just look on the bright side!!! It's not far off girl!

  5. Jane, I know how you feel. I have tried for 6 1/2 all together and still have nothing. I Dont know if you remember my sister Chalet or not but they ahve tried from 8 year and have had no luck. It is hard and i don't understand sometimes, but i have to remember that the Lord sees the whole picture and we only see day to day. He also only gives us what we can handle. I know it is hard when you want one so bad and then you see people that should have kids with like 5 of them. One day i will understand. Stay strong. Things happen for a reason. If you ever need to talk you can email me. Hang in there!! I know it is hard, but i also know that you can hold on and stay strong!!