I just got a text from Alex's cousin Michael, who just got married the first part of November, saying that him and his new wife are expecting a baby! I AM IN TEARS! I love them to pieces, I mean they are family, but I have this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. A feeling of the most intense jealousy I have ever felt in my entire life. Why do I feel like this? I feel horrible that I FEEL SO HORRIBLE! Words can't quite explain. I should feel nothing but HAPPY for them and it's really hard for me to do that right now....Why me? Why can't I have kids? They've been married for barely 2 months and didn't WANT kids for a "couple years" and they fall pregnant like it's nothing! I've been married for almost 2 1/2 years and have had nothing but heartache trying for a little one. I've had no problem attending cousins and friends baby showers, baby blessings, etc., but for some reason this one really hit me hard. I think it's cuz we're so close to them and I feel like I SHOULD get the first baby ya know? How immature does that sound!?!?! I try to keep telling myself that Heavenly Father has a reason for all things and that there is a divine reason I am not a mother right now. I only wish I knew what that reason is. I'm having a very difficult time having the strength, peace, and faith to keep trying and to keep trying to understand the reasoning behind it.
Enough with my rambling. Writing things down, especially my feelings, helps me to move on and get it all out so I'm not dwelling on it for days and days and days even though I have a feeling I will be still in this case.
BABY DUST TO ME! :)...........................:(